purging

Sitting on a wad of $20's an inch thick. I sold a set of Porsche rims that I bought over a year-and-a-half ago for the bug. That project has pretty much died in my dreams. I used to spend all my money on that, now it's other things.

The things we spend our money on, then hold onto... I never meant to just let them sit there. Getting rid of them just says "I'm done with that. Not even going to hold onto them just in case."
Would have been cool.

But forget the past. It's now a headache, a noose around my neck. Think of all that cash that's tied up in tools, parts, ... It used to make me happy. Now I'd be happy if I could sell it all, but nobody wants it all. I have to give it away little by little, taking less than what I paid for it. Still, it feels good to purge. Move on. Find happiness in other things that life is offering you right now. Throw out some old clothes too while you're at it. Then go buy some new ones. It changes you little by little.

It happens to me every time I buy new shoes. You grow attached to a pair, after having them for a year or so... they just fit you (on your feet, and on your persona...) Each new pair changes that a bit. You may love them more than your old shoes, but that old pair is still somewhere in your closet. New shoes define your personality sometimes. You walk around puddles at least. That old pair stays in the closet forever tho, until you finally decide to let go - to the thrift store or the dumpster, depending on how many holes in the soles.

If the truth be told... I've got 10 pairs of shoes, plus 1 still in the box that I have purchased but still not worn out of the house. Some (my slip on vans) should have been thrown out when they started to break. Others (my running shoes) hardly ever get worn. The new ones? I guess I'm waiting for the right time for another reinvention. Every time you reinvent yourself you get rid of another pair of shoes.

I used to love working on cars. Now I just want to make music.

essence

So I have approximately 26 hours till I have to take a written exam about early political philosophy. I also have just 26 days till I go into the recording studio for a 2-song acoustic demo. If recording was tomorrow and exams in a month I might get some songs done and then have the ability to focus during class.

I'm actually not terribly frightened about the exam. I could wing it... and who cares.
But February is a short month, and before I know it I will have to call the guy and tell him that I haven't got anything to record. I could be finished with both songs tomorrow, but probably with Mickey-Mouse lyrics. Lots goes through my mind actually. Nothing sticks because I'm afraid it won't be good enough.

Two weeks ago I downloaded Joshua James' "Build Me This" album on iTunes. His songs are not just intensely emotional (which is not my usual cup of tea), they are so musically complete. Nothing is cliche about them, that's what really caught my attention. It seems like he never approaches unrequited love, or rose petals and rainbows. He sings about "dirty pitchforks," "mother mary," "repairs on that broken road back home."

This has raised a new challenge. I get to record 2 songs, and if I still have no lyrics in two weeks or so I will have to resort to cheesy lyrics about girls. If I can make a cool statement on something totally unrelated to romance/relationships then I will be almost as cool as JJ. I want to write something insightful, not mushy. I want to write a song with attitude.

"I ain't pickin' up a paper til the wild wind blows..."

So in my search for something insightful to sing about, I thought about Philippe Bénéton - Equality by Default. Just the title grabbed my attention, and I've never read a book that I enjoyed so much which picks apart western culture so harshly. It really made me feel bad for being such a modern individualist. Half of the book left, and I think I got something to write a song about. But what if there is something, the crowning jewel of his whole argument, in Part III: The Fool's Bargain? I think for now I should write about "soulless institutions"... that caused the most reflection.

In a nutshell:

Technically, there are institutions that still create distinctions between elites and everyday joes. But these "soulless institutions" have no meaning anymore. People/organizations with titles are not admired, but torn down. And the position they hold has no formal value, it is merely procedural. We have created this equality by default because we have torn apart all sacred symbols. Authority means nothing, and young adults exercise the human right to disobey all established norms. Not only does this give those under authority to act autonomously, it also relieves those in authority of all their responsibility. Parents are no longer expected to discipline their children, judges are hardly expected to abide the laws they uphold in the courtroom, and clergy may or may not act piously when not giving sermons. To bring the meaning back into life, someone has to awaken this sense of reverence that has been lost.

... 147 words. way too much for a song

Every time I've sat down to write a song, whether it be cheesy-easy love-ballad or if I have something more/less complicated to express (more or less, depending on how you look at love songs, simple or complicated... i'd say love songs are simple, love is complicated.) I have had a difficult time limiting my words. I try to tell it all - like the synopsis of Bénéton's chapter 4. How will I capture the essence of what I'm trying to express? I'll let you know when it's done.

New Blog.

Once upon a time (circa 2002) I started a blog. It helped. Friends understand better; I started to pick apart what I thought while writing. I wonder if I can still log on to diaryland.com

nope.

So insomnia. I think it causes many people to blog. Internet-Insomnia, in that sense, makes people more productive? At least more expressive, who knows if blogging is productive. I'm sick of youtube... sick of day dreaming (all night long).

What do I plan on writing about? All my crazy ideas of course. This is to try and figure out why I have trouble sleeping at night. Some things you should expect to see:

good music
complaints about college life
crazy lists of cars i hope to own
food love
dating and love
photographs
challenging questions

I've always liked creative-writing. Essays for political science classes are surprisingly difficult, even though I used to be considered a good writer - ask Mrs. Ellen Quirk.

This blog will be productive as long as it helps me find my way. I used to ... I don't know.